Open Letter to Santa

from my daughter

Mailed November 28, 2007

Life Lessons

When being a jack ass pays dividends

I'm still stuck on relishing my inner-infidel, and all I can say to this fellow denied his Allah-given right to fly to the US is: learn how to drive mother fucker.

Is Santa Real?

Or is my daughter a teensyweensy insane?

Revealing the truth about Santa to my daughter, then eight-years-old, during our post-Christmas vacation last year was hard. Despite her little brother already being quite alright with his self-induced Santa-demystification, she bawled and bawled like a . . . well . . . little girl.

It gets worse. This week she's written her aw shucks sweetness letter to Santa. I haven't read it yet, but I'm sure it's all sweetness and light, none of that greedy suburban kid stuff. That's the way she is. What's wrong with this picture is that she's playing it off like she still believes in Santa. I'm a deer in little-girl headlights. I have to play along because I'm too baffled on what to do. I don't want to trigger any bawling just weeks out from Christmas where her cocoon of Santa-belief is most vulnerable. So, I guess I'll play it like last year's conversation never happened. One day, she'll just move out and go to college - problem solved.

My New Pet Racoon, Mohammed

Getting in touch with my inner-infidel

So there's this squirrel or raccoon or something...
that likes to dig for nuts every morning before sunrise on my roof just above my bedroom. The little fucker sounds like he's eating the frame of my house up in my attic.

My plan is to ask Santa for a pellet gun for Christmas and hunt the local fauna into extinction. So, in honor of this ridiculous story out of the Sudan, I'm naming the little critter Mohammed.

[update 2/22/2008: Mohammed is now thankfully with Allah and all those hard-up virgins who dig furry faces]

Fuck Saudi Arabia

Because they are evil 7th century barbaric animals

I will never like religion, and I will always hate Islam
What tipped me over the edge today is that a woman gang raped was sentenced to jail and cane-whipping for her complicity. What sort of uncivilized bullshit is that?

Please George, before you leave office get a CIA operative to detonate a nuclear weapon with a Pakistani signature to detonate Mecca. Thanks.

Fuck Ron Paul

Because he's an ass and so are his supporters.

Funded by White Supremecists and Beloved By the Scum of America
And that's about all that needs to be said about that. Just talk to a Ron Paul supporter and you'll see all you need to see about his inanity.

How To Post To A Technical Forum

Public Service Announcement

If you've been referred here...
Someone thinks you need a refresher...

If you've stumbled upon this another way...
Feel free to use this post as a reference in your forum in response to a poor post.

Be polite - your best behavior will be rewarded

• Stay on topics relevant to the forum.
• Disparaging the the basis of the technical forum is counterproductive and insulting (i.e., Oracle is so stupid, why can't Microsoft make an error for SQL Server that makes sense!)
• Don't insist on the nature of help you want (i.e., give me the answer, not links)
• Don't post the same issue in multiple forums. It shows a lack of respect to those that have chose to member themselves at one forum over another.

Don't be lazy - or face the wrath

• RTFM
• Search the Internet
• Search the forum archives
• Don't ever say...I searched the Internet and didn't find answer. Everyone will know your level of effort by the nature of your question.

Be interesting not pathetic - no one really cares how bad you are hurting

• Don't exhort responses by claiming desperation. Too often, posters use phrases such as "Urgent" or "ASAP" to imply that their time is very precious. Remember that everyone feels that way about their time. A well-written question will generally get faster and better responses than one that doesn't follow these guidelines.
• Concentrate on making your question interesting for the reader by explaining what you've tried and how you've failed

Be explicit - no one can read your minds

• Post product versions, tools used, actual code
• Use appropriate subject lines which summarize the subject of the problem. Subject lines which say "Help me" or "VB.NET" or "What to do?" only serve to give the first impression that you are too lazy to summarize your problem. Also, the Subject line and the body of your message are not intended to be a single sentence.

Be concise - show respect for your readers' time and bandwith

• Post only the most relevant code snippets, error messages - not entire programs or error dumps
• Explain with no more or less words than is necessary to get the job done.

Communicate clearly - tuck in your shirt and brush your teeth

• Check your spelling
• Use complete sentences
• Don't use SMS chat-speak (i.e., plz, ur, thx, h8, etc)
• Most professionals are extremely tolerant of language barrier-based grammar issues and intolerant of self-imposed illiteracy

Be patient - you are getting more than you paid for, act like it

• Insisting on quick replies to your issue only make people want you to suffer longer

Be grateful - don't take people for granted

• Experts in technical forums are taking out time from their busy schedules to help others in the community. If you get a helpful response from someone, you should always post the result, providing details of what you tried, and the measure of success you achieved. A simple "Thank you" can go a long way in establishing your credentials in the newsgroup.
• Even if none of the suggestions offered were able to solve your problem, you should still be grateful and thank people for their time.
• If you managed to solve the problem on your own, make sure to post how you solved it, so that people facing the same problem in future can search for and find the solution.

Thanks to Cerebrus for portions.